Snape May is the love-child of Brian May and the secretly Snape-crushed Muggle Studies teacher Charity Burbage; after that fling with a very drunk Brian, she disowns the baby she named to the Muggle world. Brian May raises the baby in secret, knowing nothing of magic, but The Fateful Day Comes when Snape May, knowing nothing of his heritage, is dragged unwillingly to Hogwarts, guitar in hand! Snape and Charity are equally horrified, and young "Snapper" Snape May would rather rock out on Freddie Mercury's enchanted guitar than pay attention in either of their classes. Rock-and-roll mayhem ensues!

The Dark Lord says: "Hey Moe!"

And you've got it wrong: Utilitarian!Dumbledore clearly means Dumbledore has the hots for those shiny fiddly objects he kept on his shelves, including the Leatherman and several very startling Swiss Army knives. Or else it involves a Utilikilt, which are gaining in popularity among wizards who like a proper breeze around their privates.