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Oh no. It seems I may have to start actually listening to Snapecast, which, since they are only going to do two more broadcasts, means mainly "listen to a lot of the back catalog". At 90-120 minutes a pop, that's going to be a giant user (not to say "waste") of time, because I can't effectively skim through spoken word like I can through text. Oy.
But that's not really what I wanted to post about. At the very end of the Halloween 'cast there was this very droll narrative poem, enhanced by quite good voice acting (AR better watch his back). I tried to look it up on the net, but all the hits were essentially just the podcast notes, so I don't know exactly who actually wrote it, and can't copy and paste it, either.
Herewith, then, I present my own transcription, making no claim that the capitalization, punctuation, and stanza breaks are authoritative,not to mention that I don't think I've gotten the headmistress' name right. I couldn't clearly parse it no matter how many times I tried, but I'm pleased to see that "Pennycook" is at least an actual surname. Pennycook it is! Yay, I win!
I'm not sure if the things Snape is saying are true, or only a fable to urge "think things through". Whatever the case, it's pure Snape vs. Witless: shield them from themselves by scaring them shitless!
A Headmaster's Tale
It is late on a Friday our story begins
When Hogwarts' new Headmistress, to her chagrin,
Was summoned from dinner to deal once more
With youths caught fighting inside Greenhouse Four.
The first boy, a Gryffindor, kept yelling abuses,
While the other, a Slytherin, had naught but excuses.
Professor Longbottom, in exasperation,
Apprehended the boys and made this declaration:
"You will wait for the Headmistress here in peace
Until she is done with the Halloween feast."
"But sir!" said the one, "It just isn't fair!"
"The fault is all his," said the next with a glare.
But it was no use, so a bit bruised and bloody,
They sat 'fore the desk in the Headmistress' study.
Not a moment had passed after Neville departed
When the loud, angry shouting had once again started.
"You're nasty! You're evil!" the young man in red
Exclaimed to his foe, who stood up and said
"Look who is talking! It wasn't my curse
That landed us here and made everything worse!
Some Gryffindor you are!" he said with great scorn
And preened his green robes, which were dirty and torn.
Just then, the discussion was further disrupted
When a voice from the wall suddenly interrupted:
"Well, well, well," sniffed a man dressed in black,
"I see little has changed since my death in the Shack.
Potter and Malfoy are at it again
And I'm still as bored as I was way back then."
"But Headmaster Snape!" the young Slytherin objected,
But the man in the portrait remained quite unaffected.
"Let me tell you a story," said the former Headmaster,
"Of two students who met with the gravest disaster."
"It was All Hallows Eve, much like this one tonight,
When two stupid dunderheads decided to fight.
They each had been warned by both teachers and peers
But those warnings all fell on the deafest of ears.
So one snuck from the dungeons and one from his tower
To do battle at midnight, the most magical hour,
And each boy thought nothing of sneaking outdoors
To duel on school grounds, since they'd done it before.
If only they'd paused to consider the date --
For any smart first-year can surely relate
How on Halloween night Hogwarts suffers a curse
And things, for the unwary, take a turn for the worse."
The Gryffindor lad pulled a frown, shook his head,
And scoffed, "I don't buy a single word you've said.
Why is it that I've never heard of this mystery?"
To which Snape replied coldly, "Read Hogwarts, A History.
Too bad the young duelers also hadn't read it;
If they had, they most certainly wouldn't regret it,
For then they would never have chosen to fight
On the dark grounds of Hogwarts that Halloween night."
"They met near the lake with hate in their eyes,
Each carefully plotting the other's demise.
The one who was dressed in robes just like yours, Potter,
Soon forced his opponent straight into the water,
And neither boy noticed the danger arising,
Which, considering the subjects, isn't surprising.
So, young Mr. Potter," said Snape to the kid,
"Guess how many tentacles has our giant squid?"
"Nine, maybe ten?" Potter answered astutely.
The former Headmaster replied, "Absolutely.
But since you won't know this, I'll give you a clue:
That cephalopod started out with just two.
Now, normally the squid is quite friendly and gentle,
But on Halloween night, he can go rather mental,
And any such person who's unlucky or foolish
Enough to approach it meets a fate that's quite ghoulish.
For the squid will swallow that person alive,
And then to the depths of the lake it will dive;
And in the squid's belly the victim will suffer
Until the squid makes a new limb from the duffer."
"Some six times before had this horror ensued
When the two stupid students picked up their feud,
But the soggiest dueler just kept right on smirking
When he saw that the squid was the one who was jerking
His ankle so roughly and stirring the water,
And slowly, so slowly, he was led to his slaughter.
So slowly, in fact, that they neither did notice
A giant black beak opening up like a lotus,
And just when it dawned upon victim the first
That his leg was in pain, did all get much worse."
"For the pain in his leg became more acute
When the squid ripped it off, raised it up in salute,
And then gobbled it up like a nice, tasty treat,
And poor victim the first found he couldn't retreat."
"Just curse it or hex it!" "—the first victim cried,
And the other boy, bless him, he certainly tried,
But all was in vain, they soon were to find
When victim the second's legs were both entwined
In the squid's slimy tentacles, squeezing him tight
Until he was shaking and trembling with fright."
"He pleaded and prayed that he'd not end up dead;
The kind squid let him finish, then bit off his head
And with one victim twitching and the other one squealing,
It swallowed them both, since they both were appealing.
It ended badly, however, for all those in question,
For the poor giant squid suffered great indigestion.
The two disappearances raised some alarms
Until someone noticed the squid's two new arms.
'It is sad,' they all said, 'and a shame that they died,
But how foolish they were to have dallied outside
On the dark grounds of Hogwarts on Halloween night.
What a pity they perished, and all for a fight.' "
"Now, Halloween's curse lasts just twenty-four hours,
But do not forget that this old school of ours
Holds many dark secrets and has a life of its own,
A changeable nature in unchanging stone.
So, Scorpius Malfoy, whilst up in your tower,
Just you keep in mind this capricious power;
And you, Albus Severus, when you sleep 'neath the lake
You must always remember the poor victims' mistake.
One can hardly decide which of two is the winner
When both of them end up as some monster's dinner."
After each of the boys had been given detention,
Headmistress Pennycook turned her attention
To Severus's portrait and asked with a smirk,
"Just what did you tell them, you naughty old berk?"
Snape only sneered and edged out of his frame,
But his voice from the darkness rang out just the same:
" 'Twas nothing of import, so give me a break;
Just don't be surprised if they both fear the lake."
But that's not really what I wanted to post about. At the very end of the Halloween 'cast there was this very droll narrative poem, enhanced by quite good voice acting (AR better watch his back). I tried to look it up on the net, but all the hits were essentially just the podcast notes, so I don't know exactly who actually wrote it, and can't copy and paste it, either.
Herewith, then, I present my own transcription, making no claim that the capitalization, punctuation, and stanza breaks are authoritative,
I'm not sure if the things Snape is saying are true, or only a fable to urge "think things through". Whatever the case, it's pure Snape vs. Witless: shield them from themselves by scaring them shitless!
A Headmaster's Tale
It is late on a Friday our story begins
When Hogwarts' new Headmistress, to her chagrin,
Was summoned from dinner to deal once more
With youths caught fighting inside Greenhouse Four.
The first boy, a Gryffindor, kept yelling abuses,
While the other, a Slytherin, had naught but excuses.
Professor Longbottom, in exasperation,
Apprehended the boys and made this declaration:
"You will wait for the Headmistress here in peace
Until she is done with the Halloween feast."
"But sir!" said the one, "It just isn't fair!"
"The fault is all his," said the next with a glare.
But it was no use, so a bit bruised and bloody,
They sat 'fore the desk in the Headmistress' study.
Not a moment had passed after Neville departed
When the loud, angry shouting had once again started.
"You're nasty! You're evil!" the young man in red
Exclaimed to his foe, who stood up and said
"Look who is talking! It wasn't my curse
That landed us here and made everything worse!
Some Gryffindor you are!" he said with great scorn
And preened his green robes, which were dirty and torn.
Just then, the discussion was further disrupted
When a voice from the wall suddenly interrupted:
"Well, well, well," sniffed a man dressed in black,
"I see little has changed since my death in the Shack.
Potter and Malfoy are at it again
And I'm still as bored as I was way back then."
"But Headmaster Snape!" the young Slytherin objected,
But the man in the portrait remained quite unaffected.
"Let me tell you a story," said the former Headmaster,
"Of two students who met with the gravest disaster."
"It was All Hallows Eve, much like this one tonight,
When two stupid dunderheads decided to fight.
They each had been warned by both teachers and peers
But those warnings all fell on the deafest of ears.
So one snuck from the dungeons and one from his tower
To do battle at midnight, the most magical hour,
And each boy thought nothing of sneaking outdoors
To duel on school grounds, since they'd done it before.
If only they'd paused to consider the date --
For any smart first-year can surely relate
How on Halloween night Hogwarts suffers a curse
And things, for the unwary, take a turn for the worse."
The Gryffindor lad pulled a frown, shook his head,
And scoffed, "I don't buy a single word you've said.
Why is it that I've never heard of this mystery?"
To which Snape replied coldly, "Read Hogwarts, A History.
Too bad the young duelers also hadn't read it;
If they had, they most certainly wouldn't regret it,
For then they would never have chosen to fight
On the dark grounds of Hogwarts that Halloween night."
"They met near the lake with hate in their eyes,
Each carefully plotting the other's demise.
The one who was dressed in robes just like yours, Potter,
Soon forced his opponent straight into the water,
And neither boy noticed the danger arising,
Which, considering the subjects, isn't surprising.
So, young Mr. Potter," said Snape to the kid,
"Guess how many tentacles has our giant squid?"
"Nine, maybe ten?" Potter answered astutely.
The former Headmaster replied, "Absolutely.
But since you won't know this, I'll give you a clue:
That cephalopod started out with just two.
Now, normally the squid is quite friendly and gentle,
But on Halloween night, he can go rather mental,
And any such person who's unlucky or foolish
Enough to approach it meets a fate that's quite ghoulish.
For the squid will swallow that person alive,
And then to the depths of the lake it will dive;
And in the squid's belly the victim will suffer
Until the squid makes a new limb from the duffer."
"Some six times before had this horror ensued
When the two stupid students picked up their feud,
But the soggiest dueler just kept right on smirking
When he saw that the squid was the one who was jerking
His ankle so roughly and stirring the water,
And slowly, so slowly, he was led to his slaughter.
So slowly, in fact, that they neither did notice
A giant black beak opening up like a lotus,
And just when it dawned upon victim the first
That his leg was in pain, did all get much worse."
"For the pain in his leg became more acute
When the squid ripped it off, raised it up in salute,
And then gobbled it up like a nice, tasty treat,
And poor victim the first found he couldn't retreat."
"Just curse it or hex it!" "—the first victim cried,
And the other boy, bless him, he certainly tried,
But all was in vain, they soon were to find
When victim the second's legs were both entwined
In the squid's slimy tentacles, squeezing him tight
Until he was shaking and trembling with fright."
"He pleaded and prayed that he'd not end up dead;
The kind squid let him finish, then bit off his head
And with one victim twitching and the other one squealing,
It swallowed them both, since they both were appealing.
It ended badly, however, for all those in question,
For the poor giant squid suffered great indigestion.
The two disappearances raised some alarms
Until someone noticed the squid's two new arms.
'It is sad,' they all said, 'and a shame that they died,
But how foolish they were to have dallied outside
On the dark grounds of Hogwarts on Halloween night.
What a pity they perished, and all for a fight.' "
"Now, Halloween's curse lasts just twenty-four hours,
But do not forget that this old school of ours
Holds many dark secrets and has a life of its own,
A changeable nature in unchanging stone.
So, Scorpius Malfoy, whilst up in your tower,
Just you keep in mind this capricious power;
And you, Albus Severus, when you sleep 'neath the lake
You must always remember the poor victims' mistake.
One can hardly decide which of two is the winner
When both of them end up as some monster's dinner."
After each of the boys had been given detention,
Headmistress Pennycook turned her attention
To Severus's portrait and asked with a smirk,
"Just what did you tell them, you naughty old berk?"
Snape only sneered and edged out of his frame,
But his voice from the darkness rang out just the same:
" 'Twas nothing of import, so give me a break;
Just don't be surprised if they both fear the lake."
no subject
Date: November 23rd, 2007 06:10 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: November 23rd, 2007 10:41 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: November 23rd, 2007 11:43 pm (UTC)From:Suffice to say, I find it all a little...shallow? Perhaps. Even hyprocritcal? I've listened to a few, and I normally could leave it on longer then about ten minutes. There was a specific discussion that offended me, and since then I've decided I will not listen.
As an actor and writer I appreciate the work that they put into it, however.
no subject
Date: November 24th, 2007 12:12 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: November 24th, 2007 12:15 am (UTC)From: