(no subject)

[arcanetrivia]

Well, it turns out you can't mass-edit post security to a custom filter, only to Public/Friends/Private. Mass-editing to Private would have been a bit of a pain because it means I can't look at my own stuff while logged into my other account, and I don't want to deal with LJ-sec, so. I guess I'm just leaving everything as-is. But I am starting to feel rather useless around here. I do not get much happiness out of fandom (but then it seems I cannot get enjoyment out of anything these days, even stuff I know I ought to, like my husband telling me he loves me, or fic that used to be the kind of thing that really got me excited; everything feels dull and flat), mostly reinforcement of my inferiority, so what is the point? Any time I start to feel like maybe I had something going, I manage to piss someone off. I just want to belong someplace and, if you'll allow the fanciful idea, to make Severus happy. I've been banging my head on it for three years and seem to have failed you and him both miserably. What I deserve is to be erased, and I know that, but it still hurts.

Comments

[speed_demon77]

*hugs you* I'm sorry you're hurting right now. But I would be even sorrier if you weren't around. I enjoy your posts immensely but my insecurities often leave me unsure of how to tell you that I did.

[leela_cat]

Don't knock yourself down. You really did bring a lot of fun and happiness to the Snarry Suite at infinitus. Never underestimate the worth of that.

*hugs*

[nytemuse]

Maybe I missed something, but do you have clinical depression? Cuz what I read above (esp the "cannot get enjoyment out of anything" comment) sounds like me when the brain-chemistry goes out of whack and the depression's hitting hard again.

[arcanetrivia]

I have never been treated for it, but that seems to be the internet diagnosis.

[nytemuse]

Well, while there's no substitute for getting an actual medical professional to diagnose, if circumstances prevented that at the moment, taking 5-HTP can often help milder cases of depression get, um...not-depressed. And it's fairly safe, meaning I've never heard of anyone ODing or having really really bad side effects if taken when not needed (unless combined with a MAOI or SSRI, as then you're doing triple duty and could definitely have some OD issues). It's available OTC and just adds a sort of tryptophan to your system that can be turned into serotonin if there is not enough in the system. I used to use it to treat depression until it became too severe and needed stronger drugs.

[arcanetrivia]

And it's fairly safe, meaning I've never heard of anyone ODing or having really really bad side effects if taken when not needed (unless combined with a MAOI or SSRI

Yeah, enotsola found that out the hard way a few months ago. I have an herbal extract around meant to be used to calm mild anxiety and as a sleep aid (valerian and stuff). I recommended he try it one night as I have found it useful to stop thoughts from whizzing around in circles, and he got an experience he likened to a jittery, unpleasant ecstasy high. Perplexed, I consulted the ingredients list and lo and behold, 5-HTP, which didn't play well with his SSRI/SDRI cocktail. Oops.

[auctasinistra]

It's true internet diagnoses mean nothing, but don't take this, or the other comments, lightly. If you have no joy in anything, please find a way to get professional help. Many communities offer ways to get it low-cost or free. Please don't accept that this is the way life has to be - it does not have to be this way. If you find it hard to ask for professional help (I know I would), ask a relative or good friend to go along with you (obviously not into the doctor's/counselor's office, but to ride there with you and wait for you) to help steel yourself. Please look into it. There are a few people on this planet who deserve to be unhappy, but they're in the realm of evil dictators and mass murderers. You don't deserve to be unhappy and there IS help.

[schemingreader]

Fandom is full of people ready to be disappointed and pissed off, as are most activities staffed by intensely passionate volunteers. (Square dancing, synagogue, block party organizers...) I've pissed quite a few of them off, very thoroughly and completely by accident, without any extra effort at all!

I like seeing your stuff. I enjoy your posts. I also like to make Severus happy...

I am sorry you're experiencing anhedonia. If you aren't experiencing pleasure from ordinarily fun activities and you feel inferior, that sounds a lot like depression. Has every comment so far said this? Do you have a doctor? Any friends in the area who can recommend a good therapist? It's like a broken arm, you have to get it treated.

[condwiramurs]

You haven't failed anyone, and you absolutely do not deserve to be 'erased.' *Hugs you* I'm glad you're on Snapedom jumping into discussions, your posts always make me think. And I think the others here are right, this could be a health issue. Please don't go away.

[logospilgrim.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry that you are feeling so sad, most beloved... But you know, one of my happy Infinitus memories was having the opportunity of chatting with you a bit.

*very tender robed embrace*

[cosmiccoz.livejournal.com]

Oh gods, please don't feel that way! Nononono.

Fandom can be as depressing as it is uplifting. There are weeks where I wonder if it's worth the effort, especially when RL is shit. The feeling's always in flux.

Sometimes I'll join communities and only be rejected. It's a part of the game. Half the time I'm misunderstood, or I'll start a conversation during a "low time" and find myself bitterly attacking someone's beloved character or series. Sometimes I'm overly sensitive and take things to heart, sometimes I'm too numb to care about someone's RL woes.

Water under the bridge.

If I have ever made you feel unwanted. I do sincerely apologize. My life is so unstable right now, that I've frequently been known to take out my frustrations on others. I've made a firm promise to myself to stay off LJ during these times.

And it truly doesn't matter if your a producer or not (And you are, BTW). I'm a total consumer. Nothing wrong with that. I'm here to read, view and review. People love getting feedback and it's a vital foundation to all fandoms.

Sometimes joining new communities or branching out with friends can be helpful. It sounds like your stagnating. : /

[lampblack.livejournal.com]

You're an important part of fandom for me! And fandom would be a lesser thing without your presence!

[mimimanderly.livejournal.com]

Depression will do that; everything you once enjoyed suddenly has a hollow feel to it. I struggle with it myself on a cyclical basis. I have various coping mechanisms to keep me going until it lifts on its own, but they are just a way to get through it intact, and do nothing to lift me out of it. I wish there was something that I could do or say to you to make it better, but I realize by now that there isn't. Just know that I care about you, and I hope that someday YOU care about you, as well.

[pennswoods.livejournal.com]

This post distresses me. From my perspective, you have enriched the fandom with your presence, from your recs of fic art and other stuff to your questions on Snape related posts and ponderings, from your organizing of the Snily meet-up at Azkatraz to your creation of Snape buttons (and indirect reccing of fanart) at Infinitus.

But if you don't feel this way and if fandom does not give you happiness anymore, what I think doesn't matter. I'm just posting this in case it does.

[feyandstrange.livejournal.com]

Sod fandom. This is about you, sweetie. And this post *stinks* of clinical depression, which sadly we don't seem to have a potion for, although some of those Muggle pills have been known to work.

We would all miss you very much if you left. Please keep talking and contributing.

*throws owls*

[dancinglights.livejournal.com]

This. And pardon me sticking my beak in here when I know Esh less well than a lot of other folks might. It just sounds all too familiar.

Seriously, I don't think I've ever had a significant other or close family member that *hasn't* fought with serious clinical depression at some point in their lives. This is exactly what it sounds like, and it doesn't *have* to be that way. I wish you much strength and luck in sorting it out, and finding the will to bother doing so. Because you're right when you mention it isn't about fandom, it's about everything.

[arcanetrivia]

And pardon me sticking my beak in here when I know Esh less well than a lot of other folks might.

Probably better than many - longer, certainly. (None of these people will fathom why you are referring to me as "Esh", heh. "Arethinn" doesn't really lend itself to a shortening, does it?)

[dancinglights.livejournal.com]

I was being lazy and figured feyandstrange, the only other person likely to get comment-email, might get it tho.

[arcanetrivia]

Oh, true. I do think I've known you for longer, though.

[arcanetrivia]

..."throws owls"?

[melusinahp.livejournal.com]

Oh, Shyfoxling. :( I saw you were deleted yesterday and I was sad. I know we are still getting to know each other, but you seem like a really sweet person.

I'm so sad you are feeling this way. You aren't the only person. I've seen a number of posts like this lately. Do you think you are depressed? The way you describe how you feel makes me suspect you might be.

Anyway, I'm sending you hugs and just letting you know that I noticed that you were gone and am glad you came back. I hope you can find a way to make fandom a nicer place for yourself. ♥

[mimimanderly.livejournal.com]

She deleted herself??!!

*Looks accusingly at Lisa* Don't you dare! It seems that every day, a few more people slip away from fandom. I guess it's inevitable, but it still hurts. Some days, I feel like Lear, the Fool, and Kent, at the end of King Lear. I have to be all three of them, because it sometimes seems I'm the only one left.

Please know that I enjoy reading your blogs -- yes, even the depressing ones. At least you are honest about your feelings, which is a rarity, believe me. And I am always inordinately pleased when you comment, because I know that you actually give a well thought out response.

[arcanetrivia]

She deleted herself??!!

It's a way to make everything invisible whilst you figure out what you actually want to do with the content, although I did seriously consider just leaving it all deleted and dropping out entirely.

At least you are honest about your feelings, which is a rarity, believe me.

Ohhh no I'm not. You remark sometimes that I seem rather like Severus, well, do the math. Sometimes in certain situations I get over the fear of retribution a bit, but for everything I say, there's many more things that have gone unsaid.

[sylvanawood.livejournal.com]

I understand the fandom lurgy, but it'll go away after a while, hopefully. You did and do so much for the fandom (and Severus). I hope the burn-out won't be permanent. And the pissing-off part... I can relate to that, too. Can't be helped, I'm afraid. Otherwise we'd never be able to say something honest.
And you do belong to Snapedom. So there.