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Disclaimer: Do not take too seriously. I am not necessarily saying the fics in question are bad ones. Sometimes they are horrible, but more often they are just mediocre, and sometimes quite okay, but they all had something in their summaries that I found goofy, misused, or amusing in some other way.
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After HBP. Hermione goes back to Hogwarts alone and looks for the hocruxes.
Hocrux n. A magical artifact that contains a fragment of a witch's soul, enabling her to survive death so that she may continue to skank it up. See also Homione.
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Hermione Severus Snape Triplets. Snape death pregnant Hermione one great story.
Is William S. Burroughs doing cut-ups from fanfic now?
thought to be dead, Snape comes back and finds out his wife, has kids that are his, but they are being raised by another man.
"Finds out"? Er... he does know how that must have happened, right? You see, when a wizard and a witch love each other very much...
Uncle Draco what happens now?
"What happens is that you go to sleep, young man. No more stories!"
-----
(the entire summary)
you may read it and not believe it, but don't Mary sue me
Oh, if only one could bring suit for such a thing. I can only imagine what Judge Judy would have to say about this!
-----
(this story has been deleted. warning: terrible rendition of stereotypical French accent.)
Prologue inside. Hermione catches Ron in bed with another, and is invited to stay at shell cottage.
Hermione's jaw fell open at the sight of Ron in bed with a beautiful and familiar blonde woman.
"Ah, 'ermione, what a pleasant surprise zis ees! Bill and I wayre just theenking of haveeng you both for a nahce Sunday deenair , and I thought zat instead of sending an owl, I would just call to extend zee invitation to you!"
Hermione sputtered incoherently and shot Ron an incendiary look.
Ron merely shrugged. "Part Veela, remember?"
She returns to Hogwarts refreshed and ready to face the red head who broke her heart and anything else that steps in her path!
Hermione had to admit Ron's tendency to do this came in handy on the rare occasions she was actually threatened by something she couldn't handle, but she was rapidly running out of good china.
-----
It is rumored that love is infinite and immemorial.
"Immemorial"? I'm not sure that--
But at times fate is mercilessand needs a helping hand.
Okay, but don't you think--
The pain to keep the one honorable or make them dishonorable.
Um, which pain is this? I don't quite--
The love of one could save the that's need of it most.
Er, well, Aristotle wrote--
Being BETAED
Gosh, I hope so.
-----
(the entire summary)
It was only a dream
Dallas crossover.
-----
(the entire summary)
I have something important to tell the Potions Master
"For the last time, I do not require açai, V1AGRA, 'augmentation' for my 'male tool', a cheap elegant watch, 'muscle guys', or an entry in 'hundreds' of search engines for a website I don't have in the first place! Now bugger off before I use your top half for a garden gnome and your bottom half for a Sunday roast!"
-----
The sequel to An Awful Experience,
Aptly named, no doubt.
taking place 1 year after Selina and Kevin's wedding. Voldemort plots once agian to get Eric and Selina together,
Thomas M. Riddle & Co.
Matchmaking Services
Feeling stumped in the search for a spouse?
Let us help you solve the "riddle"!
but, this time, Kevin is involved and Eric is changed.
Since I have no idea who you're talking about, I'm just going to picture Kevin Sorbo and Eric Idle here.
-----
(nothing terribly wrong with this one besides blatant Americanisms and the confusing description of Surrey as a "little town" and a possible place of origin for Lily and Severus; I was just piqued by the author's need to trumpet her ship preference in the manner she did.)
One-Shot: So Lily stops being friends with Severus in Fifth Year, and then starts going out with James in Seventh Year. Severus was still in love with Lily, and emotions are impossible to dodge. NO LE/SS! I AM A LE/JP SUPPORTER ALWAYS!
"Always", huh? Miss Hendricks, take a letter:
Dear Melody H. Grace:
It has come to our attention that you have made an unauthorized use of the trademarked property of the LE/SS Corp., specifically Always™, granted for our sole use by J.K. Rowling (see chapter 33 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows for full details) and specifically prohibited in any context concerning LE/JP.
We demand that you immediately cease the use and distribution of all infringing works bearing this trademark; that you deliver to us all unused, undistributed copies of same or destroy such copies immediately; and that you desist from this or any other infringement of our rights in the future.
Sincerely, &c., &c.
-----
Hermione returns to Hogwarts as head girl halfway through term three, but so does someone else.
"Dumbledore said I was Head Girl!"
"No, I'm Head Girl!"
"No, I am! See? Look, right here on this parchment -- 'I hereby appoint Hermione Jean Granger as Head Girl for the remainder of summer term; signed, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore'!"
"Well mine says that he appointed Hermione Jane Granger to the same, and I was here first!"
Watching the altercation with growing concern, Harry leaned towards Ron and whispered, "Do you think they're going to fight?"
Ron's eyes glazed over for a moment. "God, I hope so."
-----
After HBP. Hermione goes back to Hogwarts alone and looks for the hocruxes.
Hocrux n. A magical artifact that contains a fragment of a witch's soul, enabling her to survive death so that she may continue to skank it up. See also Homione.
-----
Hermione Severus Snape Triplets. Snape death pregnant Hermione one great story.
Is William S. Burroughs doing cut-ups from fanfic now?
thought to be dead, Snape comes back and finds out his wife, has kids that are his, but they are being raised by another man.
"Finds out"? Er... he does know how that must have happened, right? You see, when a wizard and a witch love each other very much...
Uncle Draco what happens now?
"What happens is that you go to sleep, young man. No more stories!"
-----
(the entire summary)
you may read it and not believe it, but don't Mary sue me
Oh, if only one could bring suit for such a thing. I can only imagine what Judge Judy would have to say about this!
-----
(this story has been deleted. warning: terrible rendition of stereotypical French accent.)
Prologue inside. Hermione catches Ron in bed with another, and is invited to stay at shell cottage.
Hermione's jaw fell open at the sight of Ron in bed with a beautiful and familiar blonde woman.
"Ah, 'ermione, what a pleasant surprise zis ees! Bill and I wayre just theenking of haveeng you both for a nahce Sunday deenair , and I thought zat instead of sending an owl, I would just call to extend zee invitation to you!"
Hermione sputtered incoherently and shot Ron an incendiary look.
Ron merely shrugged. "Part Veela, remember?"
She returns to Hogwarts refreshed and ready to face the red head who broke her heart and anything else that steps in her path!
Hermione had to admit Ron's tendency to do this came in handy on the rare occasions she was actually threatened by something she couldn't handle, but she was rapidly running out of good china.
-----
It is rumored that love is infinite and immemorial.
"Immemorial"? I'm not sure that--
But at times fate is mercilessand needs a helping hand.
Okay, but don't you think--
The pain to keep the one honorable or make them dishonorable.
Um, which pain is this? I don't quite--
The love of one could save the that's need of it most.
Er, well, Aristotle wrote--
Being BETAED
Gosh, I hope so.
-----
(the entire summary)
It was only a dream
Dallas crossover.
-----
(the entire summary)
I have something important to tell the Potions Master
"For the last time, I do not require açai, V1AGRA, 'augmentation' for my 'male tool', a cheap elegant watch, 'muscle guys', or an entry in 'hundreds' of search engines for a website I don't have in the first place! Now bugger off before I use your top half for a garden gnome and your bottom half for a Sunday roast!"
-----
The sequel to An Awful Experience,
Aptly named, no doubt.
taking place 1 year after Selina and Kevin's wedding. Voldemort plots once agian to get Eric and Selina together,
Matchmaking Services
Feeling stumped in the search for a spouse?
Let us help you solve the "riddle"!
but, this time, Kevin is involved and Eric is changed.
Since I have no idea who you're talking about, I'm just going to picture Kevin Sorbo and Eric Idle here.
-----
(nothing terribly wrong with this one besides blatant Americanisms and the confusing description of Surrey as a "little town" and a possible place of origin for Lily and Severus; I was just piqued by the author's need to trumpet her ship preference in the manner she did.)
One-Shot: So Lily stops being friends with Severus in Fifth Year, and then starts going out with James in Seventh Year. Severus was still in love with Lily, and emotions are impossible to dodge. NO LE/SS! I AM A LE/JP SUPPORTER ALWAYS!
"Always", huh? Miss Hendricks, take a letter:
Dear Melody H. Grace:
It has come to our attention that you have made an unauthorized use of the trademarked property of the LE/SS Corp., specifically Always™, granted for our sole use by J.K. Rowling (see chapter 33 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows for full details) and specifically prohibited in any context concerning LE/JP.
We demand that you immediately cease the use and distribution of all infringing works bearing this trademark; that you deliver to us all unused, undistributed copies of same or destroy such copies immediately; and that you desist from this or any other infringement of our rights in the future.
Sincerely, &c., &c.
-----
Hermione returns to Hogwarts as head girl halfway through term three, but so does someone else.
"Dumbledore said I was Head Girl!"
"No, I'm Head Girl!"
"No, I am! See? Look, right here on this parchment -- 'I hereby appoint Hermione Jean Granger as Head Girl for the remainder of summer term; signed, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore'!"
"Well mine says that he appointed Hermione Jane Granger to the same, and I was here first!"
Watching the altercation with growing concern, Harry leaned towards Ron and whispered, "Do you think they're going to fight?"
Ron's eyes glazed over for a moment. "God, I hope so."
no subject
Date: September 16th, 2009 07:15 am (UTC)From:Sooo glad I wasn't drinking when I read that. ^_^
Feeling stumped in the search for a spouse?
Let us help you solve the "riddle"!
Am I gonna have come over there, ya lady?
Harry leaned towards Ron and whispered, "Do you think they're going to fight?"
Ron's eyes glazed over for a moment. "God, I hope so."
Heh.. yeah, I saw that one coming... ^_^
no subject
Date: September 16th, 2009 07:53 am (UTC)From:Sooo glad I wasn't drinking when I read that. ^_^
^_^
Let us help you solve the "riddle"!
Am I gonna have come over there, ya lady?
*hides under the bed*
Hey, you clicked, you gotta have expected this kind of stuff...
no subject
Date: September 16th, 2009 09:19 am (UTC)From:"For the last time, I do not require açai, V1AGRA, 'augmentation' for my 'male tool', a cheap elegant watch, 'muscle guys', or an entry in 'hundreds' of search engines for a website I don't have in the first place! Now bugger off before I use your top half for a garden gnome and your bottom half for a Sunday roast!"
No no, you misunderstand me. I am Prince Severus Prince of Nigeria, relative of your good sir, and am in possession of Seventeen million British dollar belonging to you. I know you are a very Reputable person because I believe you are.
As you know from the mail, we want to put you in as the next of kin of the late Engr Kurt Kahle has a closing account here in Nigeria, which he intended to use to build an university before he died in a AF4590 plane crash on his way to America after he left London for Germany on a business trip. (BANK OF NIGERIA)
(And so on.)
no subject
Date: September 16th, 2009 06:13 pm (UTC)From:*sporfle*
*dies*
Hilarious followup. :)
no subject
Date: September 16th, 2009 06:12 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: September 16th, 2009 07:12 pm (UTC)From:I'll come back later to read these again. ; )
Voldemort as Eric Idle's matchmaker. *snorts*
Smart and sassy.
no subject
Date: September 17th, 2009 03:44 am (UTC)From:You're one of only a few, it seems, but I guess every one counts. :)
So brilliant, I loved the trademarked "Always".
That one was partly my husband's idea. When I read the summary aloud to him, he said " 'Always'? Is that even allowed with James?"
Voldemort as Eric Idle's matchmaker. *snorts*
And here you were doubting his concern for Severus's love life. ;)
no subject
Date: September 17th, 2009 10:24 pm (UTC)From:But I believe it's important to show your appreciation and comment, especially when you really feel it. I came to LJ because I had volunteered to help someone with their art gallery, but said person never friended me back or responded to the comments I made. I let my LJ sit for awhile and then I friended Shiv and Droxy, just because I enjoyed their fanfic and cosplaying. They posted on every single entry I made. It was very kind of them and made me feel welcome enough to stay on LJ and see what came of it.
There are certainly no rules set down for manners on LJ, but everyone here seems to encourage respect. It's a two-fold process though, you don't focus all your attention on yourself. ; )
Ok, sorry for being long winded . . I feel very lucid today.
Anyway, your awesome snarktastic look at fanfiction is always a highlight. I've actually sent the link along to fellow fans who don't have LJs and I've read out some of the best bits to family.
We all need more humor in our lives. ; )
Thanks,
Coz
p.s.
I can just see all the Death Eaters singing "Matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match! Find me a find, catch me a catch!"
no subject
Date: September 21st, 2009 04:31 pm (UTC)From:OH MY GOD THAT ISN'T THE ACTUAL SUMMARY?! *Checks, it is* That's one of the worst ones I've ever read. And look at the profile:
I believe that Rowling is an extermly gifted arthor.
*Headdesk*
As for "Hermione returns as head girl halfway through term three" - right, so that's the middle of the third semester, almost at the end of the academic year? Unusual time to appoint a Head Girl; perhaps that's why there were two of them.
no subject
Date: September 21st, 2009 07:26 pm (UTC)From:They always are. Sometimes I edit them down slightly by taking out mere mentions of pairings, prompts, or the perennial "Read and review!", but I don't add anything or change its order.