those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind

[arcanetrivia]

I don't like Freewill Astrology. Something about the tone annoys me; I think Rob Brezsny often sounds like he is trying too hard. (Hello, kettle? This is pot.) A number of my friends (on starlightforest) enjoy it, however, so I simply skim past any posts of it I see.

Today, as I was doing just that to aureantes's post of his horoscope, I felt a twinge that I should go look up my own, which I ignored. After all, I thought, I don't care for Freewill Astrology, and I have a neverending stream of other things to read.

When I reached the bottom of the post, I saw the phrase "fumbling towards ecstasy" in among some reflections on what Brezsny wrote, and there was that twinge again. Deciding to yield to something that had gone to the bother of poking me twice within as many minutes, I looked up the Virgo horoscope for the week:

In 1954, the writer Albert Camus said, "A person's life purpose is nothing more than to rediscover, through the detours of art or love or passionate work, those one or two images in the presence of which his heart first opened." In the first month of 2008, a humble astrology columnist, yours truly, used Camus' words to direct Virgos towards one of their primary tasks in the year ahead.

(Emphasis mine.)

I already know what one is, at least. I have known for certain since early 1999, consciously suspected it for about a year before that, and can trace its threads back to about 1992 now that I know where to look. It has dark hair and dark eyes and a certain shape and sound and looks at me a certain way, and the character of Severus Snape is only one of a number of instances in my life of this particular template woven so firmly into my psyche that I cannot fail to respond to it.

It was in the presence of another such instance that I first thought that I could be loved and that there was vast beauty in the universe, that I felt a passion and life bubble up inside me and come out as shining strings of words. I know the truth of it in my marrow.

But wait; there's more.

I got turned on to the presence of fandomsecrets sometime during the winter break. I made a couple of my own "secrets" earlier this month and have had them sitting around in my "junk drawer", waiting for either the courage to post them, or a firm decision not to. Every now and again I look at them, idly tweaking the text or its arrangement, pondering whether I really think it likely I would unearth any kindred feeling, or whether it is more likely I would just get mockery. (Like PostSecret, it's anonymous, but it would still hurt, and paranoia says that someone would be able to guess it was me from style or wording.)

Last night I hit on what I thought was a perfect addition to one of them, which tied the whole thing together in terms of both content and design, and summed up the core of the secret. Those magic words, that I thought were so pithy, are the ones at the very bottom right.



I hope the moral of the story is that I was wrong to frame this as a secret because it is not shameful.

Comments

[duniazade.livejournal.com]

I would have liked to see it, and I certainly wouldn't mock.

[elethian.livejournal.com]

Um, you should have been able to. I must have got the picture permissions wrong. Hang on.

ETA there, try again.

[melusinahp.livejournal.com]

That was really poetic. :)

[elethian.livejournal.com]

I apparently messed up the picture permissions. If you look again it should be there now.

[elethian.livejournal.com]

Oh, and thanks. :) It was hard to edit, actually. I forced myself to eschew excess verbiage like "actually" (*ahem*) so as to get down to what I was trying to say and just say it. It's amazing how much words like that weaken text or speech, and how I use them like armour, a way to distance myself from my words, even to the point of disownership. Without them I think I sound pompous, like I think whatever I am saying is just soooo great and of course everyone wants to listen. I have the urge to smack myself and go "OMG, no one cares! Just stop talking!"

[melusinahp.livejournal.com]

Ah, okay, I can see the image now.

It's wonderful. I love that you made it and I love that you feel that way. I have a very similar relationship with Harry. :)

Snape does seem to inspire strong feelings in a lot of people. I don't think you are alone. He is a wonderful character. I think I cried more for him than anyone else after finishing DH.

[elethian.livejournal.com]

He really does. I don't know if anyone else out there has the same unusual reason I do, but the frequency with which people come up with strong reactions makes me wonder if JKR managed to hit on some kind of archetypal template.

Anyway, thanks for not pointing and laughing. ;) (not that you seem like the type.)

[duniazade.livejournal.com]

I can see it now, and it's beautiful. Thank you for sharing this.

For myself, I would choose the words ar the bottom right: bone-deep joy.

[elethian.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I'm glad you think so.

[helen99.livejournal.com]

> It has dark hair and dark eyes and a certain shape and sound and looks at me a
> certain way, and the character of Severus Snape is only one of a number of instances
> in my life of this particular template woven so firmly into my psyche that I cannot
> fail to respond to it

The combination of the picture and the words conveys something more than the sum of the two... I can feel the edges of the essence you're talking about.