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One shot Coming of age tale involving Weasley and Snape. Some magic, very foul language....
Some magic? I guess that's reasonable. It's only a Harry Potter fanfic, after all. Wouldn't want to put too much magic in.
...My best story yet.
Oh dear.
Let me say that again, in case it wasn't clear enough: Oh dear.
I sent this one to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
babb_chronicles, so I'll be doing this again, but I just can't resist sharing some of these absolutely, um, lovely lines:
“Barkeeeeep”, pleaded Ron, massaging his British temple.
Ron, they said "massage your temples in the bath", not "massage the temple in Bath"!
Hermoine refused to blowjob him today, and his feelings got hurt.
*sporfle*
The bartender was (arguably the meanest character in all of Harry Potter) Snape.
Kind of avant-garde, that, starting his name with a parenthesis and all.
Puberty had given him quite a beard.
Oh, quite! Oh, I really must say!
There was the Bridesmaid – Snail scales and lion’s hiss, poured over ice-cold Phoenix Cum. Also, the Fat Hagrid – melted butter, Animal Pheromone, and Dragon Hair.
I kind of like "lion's hiss" as an ingredient in anything. Has a kind of fairytale riddle quality to it.
“Well Weasely, you cunt. What’ll it be? I’ve so many fucking things I haven’t done yet at my job. What’ll you want to have to drink? I want to make your drink soon,” explained Snape.
Whoa! Who slipped Severus decaf this morning? Sheesh!
“I, uh, well” stuttered Ron, British.
Good to know he's keeping up with that. I was worried he'd lapsed into a Canadian, or worse, an American.
Sweating, Snape spun about, knocking some shit over with his robes.
Professional billower. Closed course. Do not attempt.
“I killed Dumbledore..” Snape muttered, spoiling the book again to himself.
XD
Snape placed a dirty, chipped glass on the counter. In it: the gills of a Sunny, aborted fetus tears, a rare crumpled two dollar bill, Snape’s pubes, milk, and heroin. “what the fuck?” wondered Ron.
I'm with you, Ron.
Ron’s eyebrows furrowed for a moment, and looked up at the ceiling, attempting to peer into heaven, for the guidance of Shiva.
Ron's a Hindu now?
Chuckling at his own pun, Ron cock-slapped Hermione, to death.
It's that extraneous comma that really makes this sentence the majestic thing that it is. He didn't just cock-slap her; he cock-slapped her all the way to death.
And don't you forget it.
Punk.
---
Harry Potter runs for school board under a strange platform.
Looks like Harry's been starting the post-election celebration a little early.
---
One-shot Hermione has a question for the Potions Professor but when she goes to look for him she is met with a very interesting surprise.
Turns out he's been doing naughty things with One-trick Harry and Ronnie One-note.
---
A scene of lust between none other than Snape and Hermione. This is a scene that will be placed into a story I am writing, at a later date. But enjoy for now. THIS IS AN EXPLICIT PIECE OF WORK - MA ONLY!
Wow, you're brave. I'd never show my explicit fanfic to my mother.
---
(this one could be a lot worse, although it includes some amusing misused words, like Hermione wearing a violet "brazier" and stuffing books into her "back".)
Hermione has a detention with Snape that explodes, and ends up becoming more than either of them bargained for, though not what they didn’t all-ready want.
Oooh, bad luck, Granger. Most of your incarnations get detentions with non-exploding Snapes. I imagine you certainly didn't bargain for becoming basically a red stain smeared across the walls of the dungeon.
Some magic? I guess that's reasonable. It's only a Harry Potter fanfic, after all. Wouldn't want to put too much magic in.
...My best story yet.
Oh dear.
Let me say that again, in case it wasn't clear enough: Oh dear.
I sent this one to
babb_chronicles, so I'll be doing this again, but I just can't resist sharing some of these absolutely, um, lovely lines: “Barkeeeeep”, pleaded Ron, massaging his British temple.
Ron, they said "massage your temples in the bath", not "massage the temple in Bath"!
Hermoine refused to blowjob him today, and his feelings got hurt.
*sporfle*
The bartender was (arguably the meanest character in all of Harry Potter) Snape.
Kind of avant-garde, that, starting his name with a parenthesis and all.
Puberty had given him quite a beard.
Oh, quite! Oh, I really must say!
There was the Bridesmaid – Snail scales and lion’s hiss, poured over ice-cold Phoenix Cum. Also, the Fat Hagrid – melted butter, Animal Pheromone, and Dragon Hair.
I kind of like "lion's hiss" as an ingredient in anything. Has a kind of fairytale riddle quality to it.
“Well Weasely, you cunt. What’ll it be? I’ve so many fucking things I haven’t done yet at my job. What’ll you want to have to drink? I want to make your drink soon,” explained Snape.
Whoa! Who slipped Severus decaf this morning? Sheesh!
“I, uh, well” stuttered Ron, British.
Good to know he's keeping up with that. I was worried he'd lapsed into a Canadian, or worse, an American.
Sweating, Snape spun about, knocking some shit over with his robes.
Professional billower. Closed course. Do not attempt.
“I killed Dumbledore..” Snape muttered, spoiling the book again to himself.
XD
Snape placed a dirty, chipped glass on the counter. In it: the gills of a Sunny, aborted fetus tears, a rare crumpled two dollar bill, Snape’s pubes, milk, and heroin. “what the fuck?” wondered Ron.
I'm with you, Ron.
Ron’s eyebrows furrowed for a moment, and looked up at the ceiling, attempting to peer into heaven, for the guidance of Shiva.
Ron's a Hindu now?
Chuckling at his own pun, Ron cock-slapped Hermione, to death.
It's that extraneous comma that really makes this sentence the majestic thing that it is. He didn't just cock-slap her; he cock-slapped her all the way to death.
And don't you forget it.
Punk.
---
Harry Potter runs for school board under a strange platform.
Looks like Harry's been starting the post-election celebration a little early.
---
One-shot Hermione has a question for the Potions Professor but when she goes to look for him she is met with a very interesting surprise.
Turns out he's been doing naughty things with One-trick Harry and Ronnie One-note.
---
A scene of lust between none other than Snape and Hermione. This is a scene that will be placed into a story I am writing, at a later date. But enjoy for now. THIS IS AN EXPLICIT PIECE OF WORK - MA ONLY!
Wow, you're brave. I'd never show my explicit fanfic to my mother.
---
(this one could be a lot worse, although it includes some amusing misused words, like Hermione wearing a violet "brazier" and stuffing books into her "back".)
Hermione has a detention with Snape that explodes, and ends up becoming more than either of them bargained for, though not what they didn’t all-ready want.
Oooh, bad luck, Granger. Most of your incarnations get detentions with non-exploding Snapes. I imagine you certainly didn't bargain for becoming basically a red stain smeared across the walls of the dungeon.
no subject
Date: June 27th, 2008 01:05 am (UTC)From:But damn--where do we get Phoenix Cum?!?! But only over ice!
no subject
Date: June 27th, 2008 02:38 am (UTC)From:Sounds like something that would produce a lot of hissing and vapour.
no subject
Date: June 27th, 2008 02:55 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: June 27th, 2008 03:05 am (UTC)From:I think I'll leave that to braver souls than myself.
no subject
Date: June 27th, 2008 01:56 am (UTC)From:I'm with you, Ron.
**collapses in hysteria**
no subject
Date: June 27th, 2008 02:39 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: June 28th, 2008 01:12 am (UTC)From:Ahem... comment ficlet. This is a repeat seventh year at Hogwarts AU.
In the Gryffindor common room...
Ron glanced up from the scroll he was reading with a look of amused disgust. "Oi, Hermione," he asked his girlfriend, who was shooing Crookshanks off of the table in front of them. "Remind me again - am I British? Because I think some people appear to have forgotten."
"Hmm...Considering you use words and phrases like 'git, prat, fancy, Bloody Hell and Oi', I'd say the chances are more than fair," Hermione answered, rolling her eyes. "Merlin, you are not still reading that rubbish! I thought you were working on your homework for Transfiguration."
"Can't help it. It's like a bloody trainwreck."
"What's a trainwreck?" Harry asked as he flopped down beside Ron on the couch.
Hermione rolled her eyes again and then sat down on the couch on the other side of Ron. "This badfic is. Honestly, are there no decent fics about us?"
"Actually, there's a fair few if you know where to look," Ron answered. "This one I'm reading isn't one of them."
"Oh, badfic? Can I see?" Harry asked.
Ron shrugged, then handed over the scroll to Harry. "Your funeral, mate."
"Sinning in Hogwarts....It's one of those, then, huh? Sounds promising," Harry said with a laugh, knowing fully well that those kind of fics were usually the worst. Still, Harry had never encountered anything quite so atrociously weird in the time he'd been reading badfic with his friends. "What the shit is this?" he muttered after only the first few sentences.
"Dunno. I really dunno. But that's a very good question," Ron said.
no subject
Date: June 28th, 2008 01:29 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: June 28th, 2008 03:26 am (UTC)From:Yeah, I think the trio have probably seen worse, but this is a one-of-kind witches' brew of WTF. You haven't even been around for a year yet? I shudder to think what badfic you'll turn up as you keep going.
no subject
Date: June 27th, 2008 02:10 am (UTC)From:Sheer genius.
no subject
Date: June 27th, 2008 02:35 am (UTC)From:What can I say? He must not be looking at the right websites...
I'm pretty proud of "Professional billower. Closed course. Do not attempt" myself. ;)
no subject
Date: June 27th, 2008 03:07 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: June 27th, 2008 03:00 am (UTC)From:Oh dear indeed.
Dood your summary deconstructions are always so freaking hilarious!
no subject
Date: June 27th, 2008 03:10 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: June 27th, 2008 04:58 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: June 27th, 2008 07:11 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: June 27th, 2008 12:39 pm (UTC)From:The professional billower line was fantastic - I had to choke down my hysterical laughter so as not to frighten the coworkers. *g*
no subject
Date: June 27th, 2008 07:09 pm (UTC)From:LOL! What a great way to phrase the comment.
"Professional billower" killed my husband too. I think I have a winner there and I'm going to make myself an icon with it. :)
no subject
Date: June 27th, 2008 11:23 pm (UTC)From:ice-cold Phoenix Cum
Pass teh brane bleech, pleez. Though it does explain a thing or two about Dumbles...
So was that story supposed to be a satire? Or farce? Or anything other than serious?
Harry Potter runs for school board under a strange platform.
"Hedwig, I have a feeling we're not at Nine-and-Three-Quarters any more..."
no subject
Date: June 28th, 2008 12:50 am (UTC)From:Fanfiction.net. I have RSS feeds set up to get notifications of new fic/chapters with Severus or Regulus (and Sirius? I can't remember). So I just set the trap and wait, and go check it for lobsters every so often.
So was that story supposed to be a satire? Or farce? Or anything other than serious?
I don't know. I don't think it's a troll, because the account has a bunch of other stories in it in various fandoms, but I didn't dare look at any of them.
"Hedwig, I have a feeling we're not at Nine-and-Three-Quarters any more..."
LOL. Strange platform! Didn't even think of that.
no subject
Date: June 28th, 2008 01:18 am (UTC)From:Sinning in Hogwarts
Date: July 22nd, 2008 05:35 am (UTC)From:Sinning in Hogwarts (continued)
Date: July 22nd, 2008 05:36 am (UTC)From: